So much has happened tonight it almost makes me believe in fate. So many things in my life have come to a head at once that I am lost in all directions. My personal life is a treacherous minefield: comrades fallen, careful steps anticipating instant disaster and the constant urge to curse whomever put me here. However, that person is me. I’m walking wounded, and feeling very alone. Every move I make to preserve myself is laboured, and the fatalist in me almost wishes to be met with a lethal blow to take me away from it all. Another problem is that walking back is just as dangerous, you may know the path that lead you there but you may not be so lucky the second time. All I know is that I want to survive and make home where I have it all.
We are flayed, fresh blood trailing over scarred wounds. Our hands would meld together but now only our nails are steeped in each others skin. It gets harder to smell love on the breath of our words as our heads turn towards different horizons. Inches of separation feel like canyons, and I wonder if you are a mirage to be carried away by the wind. The levee is drying and ever most desolate, and what burdens me the most is if we are praying for the same rain.
I am not responsible for your happiness.
I don’t care that you’ve cracked the shits and left, because the reason why you’re upset is that I didn’t force myself into being happy for your sake, when you’re the one that has hurt me. I’ve done it time and again and it’s become something you’ve come to expect, and now you hate the fact I haven’t bent to your will. Well I don’t care at all, because I know my anger comes from a righteous place and I don’t feel any guilt about it. You were the asshole all day, you dumped your shitty tired mood in my lap and expected me to deal with it and somehow carry us to a better place with zero investment of effort or even niceness on your behalf. You expected me to spin gold out of your horse shit. If you were honestly sorry and really understood why I was upset, you’d have made more of an effort to be nicer afterwards because you would’ve been driven by guilt and a need to appease. Instead you sat there expecting me to make decisions and just brighten up and act like you didn’t ruin my day. That shit is never happening again. If you’re in a shit mood and none of it is my fault, you’re on your goddamn own. I do not want one ounce of it and I will happily leave you behind to save my emotions. If you can’t be a decent, amicable person around me, don’t be around me.
If you’re sick of ‘how we argue all the time’ then don’t look at me for answers, look at yourself. Look at how you’ve caused me to act and react the way I do, and wonder why ‘I’m just so angry all the time’. It’s easy to just generalise and be disdainful and blame it all on me instead of assessing yourself. Everyone is a result of the environment they are in and the stimuli they receive.
Big deal if you’re not part of the inner circle of my 2 friends. My relationship with them is beyond my time with you, I’m allowed to have my own friends. You fucked it up anyways, it’s your fault I don’t want to spend time with Daniel and Steph around you. You’re still too proud to accept it, and you haven’t made an effort to make things better by apologising to them. Another prime example of you sitting on your laurels and expecting things to be okay whilst you put in no effort.
This is probably the last time I’ll ever use this, I hate looking back and seeing how I started using this medium for love and now it’s just a vent of frustrations. I’m completely tired of this cycle of sadness.
There is always more to be done, and you are in control of your every action, word and intent.
You decide how comfortable you want to be in your own mess. But don’t forget that every day there are people getting ahead of you, realising and self-actualising their dreams. So pull the finger out and fight, there’s only room for one at the top.
Pay your damn debts, not just of money but of gratitude. You’ve forgotten that the sky doesn’t fall on your head only because someone else wills it so. Cowards make excuses, champions make results.
Don’t forget the pit of regret that rues your heart, for that is a reminder that you should’ve done more, not less. Step up and lead yourself as well as you want to lead others.